Captain -
Nigel Stanley

Manager -
Doug James

Ruislip 48 Harpenden 34

With some sections of the media solely focused on the impact of a certain Mr J Wilkinson on a chilly evening in Paris, some more insightful scribes decided to look at the other Mr J Wilkinson who plies his trade in the Harpenden 2nd XV. Harpenden took what seemed a big pack over to newly promoted Ruislip for a chance to put a “W” in the results column - for the first time this season. The side blended youth with experience, with Mr Stanley back from his sun-bed and Mr Branston back from international duty with the thirds, Spiers and Wilkinson (Chris) where the two young guns welcomed to the side with open arms.

The match began with a bang as Ruislip soon used their size to make deep inroads into the Harpenden half, with their number 8 and 6 particularly looking anxious when the local drugs testing representative appeared to show his interest in the two chaps. Ruislip’s game plan was unerringly rudimentary; use their big naturally larger lads (numbers 1-13) to run at the little skinny better looking lads (numbers 9, 10, 13, 15). Essentially Harpenden contributed to their own downfall by missing first-up tackles and not picking up Ruislip’s support runners. This allied to the fact that they were just better drilled and trained more than once a month enabled the men in maroon to build a lead of 12 points with a little over 15 minutes on the clock.

However, Harpenden decided to throw caution to the wind with gay abandonment and started to play the percentage game with Wilkinson and Payne using the men in black’s strongest weapon…Ruislip’s fullback inability to catch, run or pretty much do anything of note apart from look good in his new shiny blue boots. The lineout spluttered to life with Hoare and Stanley particularly effective at securing the hand-grenades thrown in by Cross, with that Bracey began to make brief forays into the Ruislip half. Another howler from the Ruislip 15 gave Harpenden good field position with an 8 pick by Hoare and quick ruck-ball by Chichester-miles allowing Wilkinson to release the backs whom cleverly crabbed towards the touchline. This seeming naïve tactic lulled the Ruislip backs into a false sense of security and with that fullback Green applied a delightful chip into the corner onto which winger Hughes galloped. With his partner in crime Payne, Hughes appealed for the try with distinction by celebrating like soccer players, and with that the referee was conned into awarding Harpenden’s first score. The conversion was missed. From the restart Hoare gathered the ball and made some useful yards, offloading to Taylor who then passed to Wilkinson who in turn looked to have run into a cul-de-sac. However, spotting the lackadaisical figure of Stanley on his outside produced a pass from nowhere to enable the 2nd team skipper to sprint fully 40 metres past a host of better, fitter, stronger players to touch down in the corner. His only riposte to having scored a well worked team try was “I should have dived”, indeed and with the conversion yet again missed Harpenden began to feel capable of something more than mere whipping boys.

With some 25 minutes played in the first half the match took another turn for the unexpected as the away side began to dominate territory with some clever positional kicks and tackle breaking by Bracey and Smith the backs began to purr. A penalty conceded by Ruislip just outside their 22 enabled Harpenden to take the lead for the first time in the game and Payne duly stepped up and added the requisite 3 points to take the score to 13-12 with 30 minutes played. So how the score at half time could be 41-12 owes much to the fact that Harpenden just forgot to tackle, ruck, maul and generally play rugby. Four tries in 11minutes suggests that Harpenden not only took their foot off the gas but also that Ruislip “injected” some impetuous into their game. The most tired men on the pitch where the Harpenden hydration specialists in Green (now injured), Cross (junior) and Wilkinson (not Jonny). The referee ended the first half and Harpenden regrouped and made some tactical adjustments for the second half.

The changes were rung by a slightly irate Stanley with Wilkinson (hooker) coming into the centre and Cross going into the coal-face to add some dynamism into the loose. At first it failed miserably, a simple “hands along the line job” did for Harpenden in the third minute of the half as their 13 simply ran through us and touched down. Payne, Hughes and Smith maintain that they shouted “touch” on applying their hands to the centre’s torso, but this fell on deaf ears. And with the score at 48-13 Harpenden had it all to do to avoid a thrashing. From the kick-off Mr Hyphenated collected the ball and charged into the Ruislip 22 with close support from Cross and Lewis. The ball was span out to Payne who stepped and broke the initial challenge of his opposite number and offloaded to Collins who made some yardage. Some neat and pointless interplay from the tight five enabled faster ball to Payne who duly found the floor with a delightful pass off his left, this was picked up by Wilkinson (hooker) with seemingly no options around him. Aside; if this game has taught us anything (which it hasn’t) it is that people called Wilkinson enjoy pressure and lack of options. And with that the hooker chipped the ball over the gargantuan Ruislip forwards the ball bouncing around the in-goal area the young lad flopped on the ball to much merriment of his colleagues. Game on. The conversion was added 48-20.

A 10 minute period of careless Calypso rugby meant Harpenden attempted to run the ball from deep against their genetically superior opponents. However Harpenden found solace in the referee’s fondness of Branston’s muscle and that Harpenden where clearly the better looking side. A moment of madness by Captain Stanley as the tanned man decided to play for the Ruislip defence not being the pre-requisite 10 metres decided to run into “the fridge” whom had transferred from the NFL season to play in a merit table league game. Lesson learned by Stanley and with field position from the ensuing penalty Harpenden had a lineout just outside the Ruislip 22. Another American superstar Michael Jordan made a guest appearance for Harpenden in the form of Chichester-miles as he leapt like only a black man can to claim the ball and a neat offload followed to Lewis who took the opportunity to score and to sledge his opposite number in the process. The conversion was added to make the score 48-27. With some 12 minutes remaining.

This was just enough time for Stanley to run directly at their mutant prop (again), “the fridge”, and as 25 stone met 4 stone their was only one outcome. To his credit our skipper picked up his limbs and carried on for the remaining time, and Harpenden pushed forwards in search of glory. Crossy and Hoare combined well to enable Lewis to score his second of the day from all of 3 yards but old farther time would have the last laugh as the conversion sailed between the upright to make the final score 48-34.

The post-match dressing room banter was jovial and mainly aimed at the Ruislip hooker, who it was deemed had a host of genetic defects among them, we believe, narcagenal dwarfism.

Team

Lewis, Cross, Peck, Hoare, Stanley (Capt), Taylor, Chichester-Miles, Branston, Wilkinson, Payne, Bracey, Spiers, Hughes, Green. Subs; Cross, Collins, Wilkinson.