Captain -
Nigel Stanley

Manager -
Doug James

Stockwood Park Innit.

All that was pledged by the respective 2nd and 3rd team managers was not given on Saturday as the in-form second team took to the field against their geographical related neighbours. With Payne and Boucher eager to trade places for the day the club’s pair of social grenades and potentially outstanding talents had to make-do with their roles in their respective sides. Stanley’s second team was constructed using some young saplings, and some beefier oaks which had seen too many winters. The warm-up was far from textbook, with messes Stevens and Chichester-Miles announcing their intentions with a characteristically poor tardiness record. In addition to this, the spectacle of the front row union; Bunny, Bully and Charlie offering and swapping fashion tips from Milan and Paris could be seen by any diligent onlooker in attendance, there were none. And so the game began with Harpenden eager to maintain their chat as the inform side in the club.

Conversely, it was Park who began with the greater menace as their pack asserted some dominance over Harpenden. Morgan provided Payne with some excellent service as the backline launched a series of raids deep into enemy terrain. It was from such a raid that young Musket danced through several would-be tacklers to provide Hughes with a chance to open his legs. Such attentive defence from Park meant Harpenden had to resort to their pack to provide momentum. One sweeping move with the backline, averaging some 22 years of age, left Davies, the gangly centre, the simple task of producing the first score of the day. With Branston’s kicking tee in exile, the young fullback had to drop-kick the ball to earn his team the extra 2 points. He failed and so the score trickled on to 5-0 to the Men in Black. Back came Park as a speculative chip-kick fell between Payne and Branston as their centre cantered through unopposed to enable Park to draw level for the only time in the game. Several more tries were scored throughout the course of the half with Musket, Davies and Chichester-Miles all claiming individual yet unmemorable scores, all apart from the latter who silently crept into the pocket of Branston senior during a close quarters 5 metre scrum. With the expectant number 8 bellowing to all that would listen this was to be his try, Mr hyphenated picked the pocket of the old boy, much to the annoyance of both the gathering crowd and the expectant autograph hunters. If looks could kill we would be mourning the loss of Mr Chichester-Miles long into the night. A try for the rejuvenated Bunny brought a smattering of applause, as the former first XV captain burrowed his way over to cap a fine team score. (It is thought that the fashion advice offered by his front row colleagues of Bully and Charlie became invaluable throughout the game.)

Half time – 24-5.

Stanley resisted the temptation to tinker with his team that had completed an unpretentious yet obdurate first 40 minutes. The second half began as the first had started yet with a smattering of things to come Payne produced some rather ugly rugby, littered with mistakes. Thankfully Stevens and Chichester-Miles produced some of their better work here, procuring turnovers and making meaty tackles. With the Harpenden set pieces functioning so well it was left to the backline to create some chances, but with Payne misfiring and constant reshuffles due to injury Harpenden spluttered somewhat. Francey, the comically named hooker, produced some key lineout ball for which the backs were grateful yet unwitting. It was left to the likes of Branston and Stanley to make the inroads required to lay the game to bed. A quiet first period of the second half was the calm before the storm as the game exploded into life with a series of comical blunders and excellent rugby from both sides. With Harpenden having extended their lead through a well worked Taff score it was left to Payne to provide the moment of Boucher-esq stupidity. As the Park prop took a cheeky tap penalty, the Harpenden tacklers chomping at the bit for some contact, the dexterous young fellow chipped over the line and sort after collecting his ball. With Payne and the prop gunning for the line, the Prop decided to check Payne’s shirt for stains or discolouration, there was none. And with some 15 metres remaining until the line was crossed, Payne evened up the contest by similarly requiring a closer inspection of his opposition’s shirt. The referee wonderfully placed some 200 metres away decided to award Park a penalty try.

“In rugby union, the standard applied by the referee is that a try "probably" would have been scored.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Try)

With Payne moments from a Gasgoine-esq nervous breakdown and tear-jerking tantrum, it was left to Cross, the erstwhile councillor to console this broken man. With some moments of hilarity still left in the game Taff and Payne combined well down the blindside to set Harpenden on the straight and narrow once again. With Payne still reeling from the referee’s decision, it was rather apt that the move of the day didn’t involve the lesser tanned fly-half. A number 8 pick up by Branston on the edge of the Harpenden 22, enabled quick hands and efficient offloads to allow Chichester-Miles and co a first class ticket to the Park 22. Stanley, Davies and Bunny all combined to provide quick ruck ball, which the feisty Park side could do little about. Instead Musket, keen as ever sought Morgan who beat several flailing arms and legs to produce the perfect pop pass to Stanley who cantered in for the score of the day. With Harpenden in the driving seat, and the subs sparingly used by Stanley the game again sprang to life. Firstly, the scrums which were an excellent source of possession for Harpenden, went uncontested, then a routine up and under caused pantomime and pandemonium in equal measures. Both the lightweight combinations of Branston Junior and Musket leapt like salmon during mating season and collided mid-air much to the derision of their weeping mothers adorning the sidelines. The result was a knock-on, and the antidote to their respective injuries was a short measure of Evian for both players. It was young Branston who had a big say in the next try, scored by Hughes, as the fullback produced an excellent chip and chase. Hughes, who was truly in the wars throughout the game, produced the prerequisite gas enabling him to touch down. The flip-flop wearing winger gave Harpenden a constant physical periphery all game, and with his tan fast fading he passed that baton of responsibility to Stanley, who, again defied expectation by picking up a tan in his Porsche.

The try scoring hadn’t finished there. A flurry of penalties for both sides gave the game no meaning what so ever as a game of aerial ping-pong ensued. It should also be mentioned that Lewis added his considerable “holiday weight” to the pack in an effort to subdue the visitors. With the forwards nicely rested from their lack of exertion at scrum time it was a pity that their weary limbs could not muster the strength to make it round the pitch. Instead Park capitalised on this, with an exhilarating score in the final moments of the game which did little to trouble the form book that still had a “W” etched into the results column.

Full time – 53-19

Team

Bunny, Cross, Francey, Stanley ©, Lewis, Stevens, Chichester-Miles, Branston, Morgan, Payne (vc), Davies, Musket, Taff, Hughes, Branston.

Subs: Prop, Clarke, Sam.