Captain -
Nigel Stanley

Manager -
Doug James

Cheshunt 0 Harpenden 75

Celebrity Cricket Match for Stanley’s Boys

On a cold and blustery Saturday at Redbourn lane the Men in Black took on a Cheshunt side that had decided, against the ideology of an away side, to be the first side onto the pitch to warm up. With some sights, unusual to the local support such as “Freaky” back in the 10 shirt, “Bully” at hooker and incognito Tom Hoare back in his familiar number 8 slot the game had all the markings of something special.

The game began in rather a scrappy manner as knock-on’s and forward passes were the order of the day. However, the Harpenden pack decided to make the scrums a bit of a joke by winning about 98% of put-ins and generally eating all manner of green and white shirt. The only sound coming from the pitch was the resonance of Mr Cross, and Mr Francey helping themselves to the buffet cart kindly provided by the away side. With this platform Mr Cartmell enjoyed an arm chair ride at 10 and, complete with slippers and pipe, began to get the back division motoring will all manner of cut out passes. And so with about 8 minutes on the clock a lineout close to the Cheshunt line enabled Mr S. Smith to bundle his way towards the line and with a deft offload allow Tom Hoare to help himself to the plaudits. Wave after wave of attacks were thrown at the Cheshunt door as the forwards and backs too turns to scythe through the gaps at will. Cartmell at the fore again with his astute kicking and control of the game, decided to make a break and put down his warm mug of hot chocolate with a neat pass to Sharpe who combined well with Oxley as the little man scampered over to the pleasure of his brethrens. Two more scores were gratefully accepted, and although the names were forgotten in this instance they will be remembered by their owner with great relish.

Then with some 20 minutes on the clock and with the score nicely poised at 22 nil, Cheshunt began their fight back. Some neat interplay by their back division enabled some forward momentum, and as they entered the Harpenden half for the first time some of their forwards looked disorientated and began to bleed profusely from the nose. A fantastic kick by the opposition flyhalf, with the wind firmly behind it, went at least 4 meters into the grateful arms of young Branston. The early decision of the Cheshunt backs to wave the young man through and admire his exquisite gait initially looked to have backfired when he linked up well with S. Smith. Smith who then produced a shimmy and prance his way down the narrow touchline put in a perfect pass to Oxley who ran straight at his opposite man’s shoulder. Some quick ruck ball by the Harpenden forwards enabled Lewis and then Stanley to make barracking runs into the opposition 22, the ball was shipped wide to Walker who darted over the line. A well worked try by the home team and a useful assist from the Cheshunt fly half, who became a key thespian to this pantomime of a game. The conversion was again missed by Cartmell as his kicking percentage began to make the Harpenden forwards feel slight uneasy, the amount of dust on the mercurial fly-halves boot could have been partly to blame.

With a comfortable lead built up by the home side, several of the senior players began to issue war cries to their comrades such as “let’s put them to bed boys” and “let’s finish the job”. Little did these servants of the game know that Cheshunt were fast asleep in their cots with their toys and their prams safely locked away. Time and time again the Harpenden pack demolished the Cheshunt pack with some excellent set piece work, and with the away side under so much pressure the outcome was a combination of penalties and buffet style gorging for the Harpenden backs. With some 5 minutes to go before half time a comical kick from the Cheshunt 10 which went directly into the gleeful arms of the mercurial hooker Francey. Francey famed for his comical take on life, proceeded to woo the expectant crowd by first juggling with the ball and then shocking the same crowd by side stepping 2 would-be tacklers. The fleet footed hooker then offloaded to Hoare who made a small gain of 40 meters or so, and with the play going on all around him he nonchalantly decided his time was best spent searching for his contact lens. Meanwhile Harpenden scored a further try through Branston with the conversion narrowly dissecting the posts. Half time score 38-0.

Captain Stanley swiftly decided the best way to stay warm pitch side was to form a group huddle and quickly discuss on how to improve the day’s events. The conversation was short and sweet and the words that emanated from the mouth and into the ears of the eager men was “professionalism”. Below is the on-line dictionaries’ take on this grandiose word, (for the benefit of the tight five).

Pro-fes-sion-al-ism; Noun.

1) Professional character, spirit, or methods

2) The standing, practice, or methods of a professional, as distinguished by an amateur.

The second half began where the first half had ended with Cheshunt puffing, panting and swearing while Harpenden gratefully accepted all the presents which their visitors sought fit to gift them with. Not least Simon Smith, who being a big fan of the festive season wolfed down these presents with more time and space on the ball than our 13 could shake a stick at. His partner in crime Bracey, not wanting to be outdone was bored of being the Robin to Smith’s Batman and as such decided to up his work rate and subsequently flung a delicate pass out to Ashley Smith who raced around the covering defenders. With points and tries coming along at regular intervals, the forwards for all their hard work received nothing of the kudos that they would have liked. As a result the erstwhile first team skipper Hoare plundered the Cheshunt scrum of possession and surreptitiously passed to Stanley, who with only 6 or so opponents to beat must have still had the phrase “professionalism” ringing clearly in his ears. However, as with the English language, when often looking for a word such as “professionalism” one searches under synonyms but instead discovers “antonym” - this can be the only explanation for the way in which our captain thinks/behaves. Our gangly leader proceeded to chip the ball over the expectant Cheshunt backline in a nonchalant manner then outstrip their fullback with ease and help himself to another 5 points much to the crowd’s pleasure. Further scores from Ashley Smith and a few forward-style tries eased the Men in Black to a half century. Harpenden made a flurry of activity from the bench as S. Smith, Neate and Branston made way for Payne, Eeks, and Green.

Nonetheless, the game lost little of its fluency with Harpenden crossing at regular intervals. Only a succession of Cheshunt injuries led to the Harpenden backs discussing in which area of the pitch they might like to score next. As a result of this heated discussion, the posts became the preferential choice with the impressive Eeks fending off several would-be tacklers with one arm the ball was slipped to A. Smith who drew the fullback and left Payne with the easiest of tasks. The banter between the Harpenden backs was now centred on three things; 1. How to score 100 points as quickly as possible. 2. How to avoid the away side’s 15 (who had begun to show signs of mental instability). 3. How to avoid making Payne’s kit dirty. The next and final 10 minutes of play revealed some tricky answers to these questions, meanwhile the Harpenden pack continued to score as Sharp went through with Cheshunt always keen to allow Harpenden rich pickings at both the breakdown and the set pieces. Decisively the second question was answered first as A. Smith ran round the Cheshunt backline for their fullback to apply soccer-style tactics to proceedings by using his new boots to attempt to halt Smith in the process of scoring. Now to the referee, whose decisive action by doing nothing but talk to the player, was questionable as a certain member of the crowd who shall remain anonymous shouted “send that pikey off ref”, later Mr Hutchings was reprimanded. The fullback’s mental state had deserted him and he continued his unabated attack on the Harpenden post protectors, presumably thinking this would counter-act the 70 plus score line. From the very next passage of play Cheshunt took a tap penalty and although Payne and Cartmell tried everything in their respective lockers not to tackle their opponent Payne found himself doing just that, the short term result was a scrum to Harpenden, but the long term implications meant Payne had failed in his mission to keep his kit clean.

The game finished with several more impressive breaks by the jet-setting Eeks, and with Hoare’s support play a pleasure to watch the game concluded. The final whistle brought some relief for Cheshunt who had performed admirably in near-impossible circumstances. Man of the match Hoare was everywhere during the 80 minutes and also helped himself to a brace of tries. A big welcome back to Cartmell who has lost none of his skills but some of his banter. And a special mention to the tight five who procured roughly 97.4% possession for the handsome Harpenden backs.

Final Score; 75-0.