Captain -
Nigel Stanley

Manager -
Doug James

The Branston Show

Stanley’s select XV which comprised of an amalgamation of youth and some old, wiser, heads, promised to show these Lutonites what running rugby was all about. Our resident meteorologist, Bully, informed us that the weather may hamper his and indeed our ability to play this running rugby. The Stockwood Park changing room was the scene of much of the banter as everyone apart from Pete Branston attempted to make all manner of excuses, both fictional and legal in order to cancel the fixture and return to a much warmer climate. And so it came about that with some 30 minutes before the game was due to commence the Harpenden side trotted out to be greeted by a small typhoon, a blizzard and a smattering of small boxes fixed firmly to the ground with holes in which to peer out of, called “houses”. The warm-up produced some our best running rugby with offloads and great miss passes by all from 1 to 15, and yet with a little under 10 minutes until kick off we ventured back inside to the relative warmth of the changing rooms.

The game began well for the men in black with the Park fly half contriving to not kick the ball the requisite 10 metres to allow the Harpenden pack the first scrum of the game. Inevitably the number 8 pick up by Branston senior allowed Payne, the solar powered fly half to release his hungry backs. As Ashley Smith sliced through the gaping hole from a well timed pass, the backs looked to play an expansive game as Branston junior and Bullet made serious inroads into the home team’s half. Some dominant forwards play in the tight, again allowed Payne an armchair ride as the bulldozing Simon Smith decided to open up the taps and saunter through his opposite man. With constant pressure from the accurate, if lackadaisical kicking from our scrum half, Walker, the side rumbled ever closer to the elusive early score. However, it took a while to arrive, and amidst some comical play from both sides, no team really took the initiative as scrums and cold hands where the order of the day. Simon Smith, ever the team player ensured that his fly half Payne was adequately warm to throw those inaccurate passes by using a primitive technique called “hugging”. It seemed this very noble act became the catalyst for Park to begin their unabated use of colourful language and indeed their unremitting poor usage of the English language. And so it seemed, that with their renewed impetus and gusto Park broke into the Harpenden half for the first time as Dean Hance produced the first real bone crunching tackle of the match, on his opposite man.

With constant stoppages for a host of unspecified injuries to Park players, our pack finally got the bit between the teeth and Walker’s accurate boot began to strangle the life out of Park. The lineout worked well with Wilkinson’s fantastic flowing locks bamboozling his opposite number, and coercing into petty name-calling, Tom Hoare was graceful as ever as his ability to catch in these conditions was a rare commodity. With Harpenden happy to camp some 5 meters from the Park try line and the forwards seemingly culpable for a whole host of missed chances it appeared as if the deadlock would never be broken. Then a call to heroism was placed by the Harpenden team and effortlessly Branston senior answered said call. With another lineout some 7 metres from the Park line the Harpenden number 8 found himself at the back of a well executed driving maul and put the finishing touches to a well worked move. The 2 points on offer for the conversion were cunningly neglected by Payne as he opted to kick the ball roughly 40 metres to the left of the post, seemingly to lull to opposition into a false sense of security about his precocious talent.

The game ebbed and flowed with Harpenden again not making full usage of their superior pack, backs, looks and finances. In fact, it was left to the likes of Tom Hoare and McKinnon to make those hard yards, which the backs simply refused to. With only a few minutes remaining in the half young Branston, not to be overshadowed by his father, stepped up and slotted a 20 metre penalty to bring the first half to a dramatic close. With the 5 minutes or so that passed in-between halves many things were discussed as how best to leverage a greater margin between the goodies and the baddies, the forwards decided the best bet was to steer the ball away from Payne and instead look for gaps around the fringes until they had no option but to give him the ball. The intervening 5 minutes gave our man Bully his opportunity to shine, fresh as a daisy and toasty (given the amount of clothing he had on), our hooker provided us with adequate refreshment and some sideline banter.

With the gale force 5 winds firmly in our prettier faces we kicked off with some finesse as the ball travelled 11 metres for the Harpenden forwards to chase after. And so Harpenden started where they had finished the half with lots of possession but not too many bright ideas. Some excellent work on the floor by young Peck and Jim Hoare released Stanley for a dart down the blindside which was recycled quickly enabling the backs to get motoring. Payne produced one of those moments players will remember for an eternity, by attempting a cross-field howitzer to Bullet whom was chomping at the bit. The ball travelled backwards, of Payne’s shin, enabling the Park winger to collect the ball then spill it in the very next phase. Shameful. Amongst the truly awful moments, there were some real gems, not least Ashley Smith cutting lines from deep and young Branston darting around with menace. Inevitably though the “bad guys” got lucky and given the wind factor decided to kick deep and apply pressure of their own which Harpenden crumbled under. Excellent lineout work by the Park second row, enabled their pack to splinter ours so close to our line, and the referee awarded a try to the home side. The celebration by the Park winger was comical in itself, cupping his ear with his hand the young scamp gestured to the crowd to cheer louder. A very clever and unique form of celebration in itself, say for three minor flaws; 1. There was no crowd. 2 It was a crap try. 3 Nobody cared. And so with the conversion missed Harpenden seemed happy to defend the narrowest of leads with some 25 minutes remaining, a tall ask.

And so it proved as Park kicked and probed their way to the Harpenden try-line, and although our ruck defence was admirable to say the least only a chiropractor style tackle from Simon Smith on his opposite number enabled the men in black to steer their ship back on course. With Park getting increasingly frustrated by the lack of decisions going their way and with the Hoare brothers acting as a comical duo incessant on winding up their poorer counterparts some fisty cuffs ensued. Eventually pressure on the Harpenden line finally cracked our resistance with the away side being penalised for offside at a ruck, allowing the Park fullback to slot the 3 points which brought his team of tearaway’s level. 8-8. With a little over 15 minutes remaining in the game this story tale needed a twist, or hero or at least something competent to occur so I can justify writing a match report for a truly dire game. And then, suddenly, the gods of Hollywood descended upon Luton and sprinkled a little Christmas cheer for the Men In Black and the watching public. A deep kick by Simon Smith allowed the Harpenden pack excellent field position in which to create a scoring opportunity which would have won the game for the away side. And so it transpired that the Harpenden pack, who had been dominant throughout, gained the last laugh with excellent lineout work by Wilkinson, Hoare and Stanley. The triumvirate procured the requested ball to facilitate the Harpenden pack to steamroller their way to within a yard of the Park line, and with it glory. With the inevitable about to happen the referee awarded a penalty try to the men in black as they were impeded in the process of scoring. The try brought the house down, but the man accredited with the score, you guessed it, Branston senior, refused to celebrate as the crowd would have hoped. With Branston junior then adding the extra two points it truly was a day to “bring out the Branston”. This only left time for the Stockwood Park players’ to accuse the referee of possessing the same physical qualities as a female’s reproductive glands. He was subsequently sent off, and although found his way onto the pitch again, he presented no immediate danger, although those at MENSA will keep their eye training on this shrew cookie.

As the final whistle went the final spectacle for the crowd to endure was the race between Jim Hoare and Payne for the showers, Payne won be a head.

Comical moment of the day; Bullet attempting to charge down a penalty kick by their full back, with el capitano Stanley shouting “No you idiot!”

Banter of the day; Bully coming into the changing room, late, and declaring “Well we just tripled the value of cars in their car park then”.

Team

J. Hoare, Wilkinson, Peck, Stanley (Captain), Sharp, T. Hoare, McKinnon, Branston (senior), Walker, Payne, Smith (Simon), Smith (Ashley), Hance, Oxley, Branston (junior).

Subs / Hydration specialist; Bully.

(FYI; To those who need to know… M&S in Harpenden closes at 6pm on Saturdays).