Captain -
Nigel Stanley

Manager -
Doug James

Harpenden pack on the dole…

Scrum….A rugby union scrum consists of two team's eight forwards, with each team binding in three rows. The front row is composed of the two props and the hooker.[1] The two second row forwards (jersey numbers four and five), commonly referred to as the locks bind together and directly behind the front row with each putting their heads between the props and the hooker. Lastly the back row is made up of the two flankers and the number eight.

(Wikipedia 2008 Edition. www.wikipedia.com)

The above reference is to illustrate to the travelling USC Old Boy’s XV that, unlike Cyclops or a Minotaur, the “scrum” is not a mythical creature. Instead, Stanley fielded a strong side which included a beastly pack which was chomping at the bit for a morsel of scrummaging against their north-London based school side. The game kicked off with UCS in the ascendancy as Harpenden were made to work hard for any territory or possession that they may wish to gain. It was left to Smith, the tug-boat 12, to barge his way into the opposition 22 and Leyland offering close support, this support proved invaluable as the Harpenden pack, fresh from resting at every scrum, provided Payne the platform from which Harpenden moved seductively forward. In fact, it was the best looking hooker at the club (Wilkinson, not Francey), who initiated the first meaningful attack, as Harpenden saw fit to keep things tighter than usual. With USC not selecting any props, the Men in Black rumbled closer to the line, only to be halted by a human bollard in the shape of their hooker who repeated this infringement several times much to the annoyance of Captain Stanley. With the instructions to go for the jugular, Harpenden’s pack utilised their physical dominance and caught and drove some excellent ball to eek out a clever if unflattering score by Peck. The conversion missed by young Leyland the score ticked onto 5-0 with a little over 15 minutes played.

With the sound of Stanley resonating in the ears of the Harpenden pack, the Men in Black allowed UCS to enter the Harpenden half for the first time. With both packs seemingly unsullied and fresh from using the scrums as a means to better acquaint themselves with their comrades; the Harpenden pack in the spirit of the game simply forgot to tackle. This contrived to allow UCS good, quick ball which they instigated their brightest moments, only Bracey and Leyland tackled with any merit and as such Harpenden found themselves pinned back in their own half. Cross, finding himself in the unenviable position of fullback had obviously been watching Payne’s meek contributions to the first team defence as his attempted wave them through then tap tackle had the desired affect, although the attacker was already over the line. Shame. While with the kick sailing gallantly over the posts to give USC the lead, something provoked this man of menace; with his school-boy calves and childish mannerisms. A Bracey half-break and offload facilitated Cross’ rehab into sainthood amongst the second team kinsman, as he crashed through three would-be tacklers. This act of heroism was rewarded with Payne finally igniting a backline that contained both size and speed. A dummy switch with the tug-boat and the customary shuffling of feet was followed by Leyland taking his engine out of first gear and into cruise control as his cunningly chosen line befuddled the opposition and allowed the gangly 13 to canter under the posts. The conversion was made with little fuss. 12-7.

With halftime rapidly approaching, mercurial fly half Payne was eager to direct play into UCS terrain; the method behind his decision was loosely based on the fact that the sun had decided to bless only one half of the pitch. Tan’s were rare in Harpenden for this time of year, rarer still was the lesser-spotted tackle from Payne, it was this act that enabled Harpenden to gain the upper hand in proceedings and firmly establish an insurmountable lead. Some quick ruck ball provided by the steadfast forwards gave Payne an opportunity to show off his Arrowsmith-esq ability as he wound his way across the pitch and provided a neat offload to Smith. Smith’s delayed “piss off” pass gave time and space to Branston junior who calmly slipped the ball to the sun-bed king Hughes, it was his dazzling spray on skin tone that befuddled the defender and his offload to that man Leyland, again going over for the score. Half time 17-7.

It’s at this point that the scribe would like to congratulate the referee, who had a fine game with whistle and banter.

The second half was a much happier affair for the Men in Black, with the sun gently caressing their neck’s the backline decided to engage in a game of beach volleyball while the forwards plodded around and continued to make mistakes. With the game struggling for continuity and inspiration, Harpenden decided to keep their host’s interested throughout with a series of knock-on’s or missed tackles. Conversely the bravado shown by Wilkinson in defence did not go unnoticed by this scribe, as he threw himself at the feet of the on-rushing attackers, was this act brave or foolish? A little of both it has to be said, as this hooker is better off preserving his chiselled looks for the catwalk and letting the likes of Lewis and Chichester-miles to do the hard graft as they have a lot less to loose. It was from a series of missed tackles that UCS came back into the game, and they couldn’t believe their luck as they spread the ball wide to their own tugboat at 13 as he crashed his way over for a deserved score. 17-12.

From the kick off some unyielding words from Stanley brought some gusto out of Harpenden and with Neate and Mr Hyphenated controlling the breakdowns with authority thus creating space and time for Payne to do nothing. His over-ambitious cross-field howitzer to Stanley and Oxley, who between them contain neither the fine motor skills nor the dexterity to deal with such a kick, enabled Harpenden to again gift possession back to UCS. With a little over 15 minutes remaining Stanley opted for the tried and tested approach to scoring, with Payne instructed to kick to the corners and go with the lineout. On one occasion the kick into touch was missed by about 10 meters and instead gifted the ball to the opposition fullback – which brought much laughter from Hughes and Smith. However, the scribe cannot identify the perpetrator on this occasion. From the resultant lineout and drive from the Harpenden pack was halted illegally by UCS and as such the naughty boy was sent packing for 10 lonesome minutes. A quick tap by Bracey, hair combed to his left on this occasion, broke through the brittle UCS defence and with streams of support from the effervescent Peck, Cross and Neate the ball bypassed those fatties and found its way to Payne. His cut out pass provided Smith with the straightforward task of fending off 3 defenders and side stepping the fullback to score on the far side of the pitch. The conversion was missed. 22-12.

The final five minutes where played out with Harpenden in complete control and with the backs playing “piggy in the middle” with the forwards acting as the livestock. There was just enough time for Peck to have a try disallowed for no apparent reason, for Bracey to ask Payne what the planned move was, only for Payne to declare “Dunno mate, I’ve got nothing left in my locker”. And so it seemed, as another aerial bombardment by Wilkinson and take by Captain Stanley enabled the gorgeous Harpenden pack to eek their way over the line to add further gloss to an already, um glossy scoreline. Rickerty the man at the bottom of the pile of bodies claimed the score as another conversion was missed, Harpenden hearts sawed a little as they won the race back to the showers, and warmer water, and the confines of the clubhouse.

Team

Cross, Wilkinson, Peck, Lewis, Stanley, Neate, Clark, Chichester-Miles, Bracey, Payne, Smith, Leyland, Hughes, Oxley, Branston.

Try Scorer – Simon Smith.